是时候放弃对你的感情

A title of a blog of fren...
'Is time to give up my feeling toward you'


Many years have passed by and I failed to give up the feeling...
Chosed to tell u my true feeling but ended up with this condition...


If, now is the time...
And, I have to give up...
I will only give up the chance...


I will save the feeling and my love toward you...
As an usual person,
You can move on and have other gf...
You also can marry and have ur child...
but, please don inform me...
If u need longer time to recover...
I have to use my whole life to recover...


About the questions that sister asked me...
1. Will u waiting for him if u both cant be together... 3 years? 6 years? 10 years?
My answer: instead of waiting... i will keep him deep in my heart till i die... Waiting for him only pressuring him... that's not Love...


2. Are u love him too much and hard to let him go...?
My answer: Hard but have to... He needs to move on so that his family wont disappointed... My family wont care if I live as a single lady... So, i choose not to move on...


I am scare when I know you are in these condition...
talk to a stone is so cold... so scary...
If u going to treat me these way after we decided together...
I rather keep the former u in my heart...


I am not sure u still care or not...
If saying love u is meaningless to u...
u feel nothing toward my love to u...
then, let me know...
Perhaps,
Solving the problem also meaningless to you...
U feel nothing toward our future too..


I told u many times, I love You...
Is it making the 'I Love You' so cheap and meaningless?
If yes, I wont say it anymore...
I feel cold to tell a stone i love him...
I feel so stupid to express my love to someone who keep saying not giving hope...


Is it no hope?
Is it as u said, it is fated?
Is it you have giving up?
As u said, u cant see we can go far...


then,
y should i keep struggle?
Y should i dragging u...?
Y should i care about ur tone?
Y should i thinking so much?
Y should i do all these?
simply for someone...
someone i so scare for this moment...


If now is the time, U tell me...
If u ald tired and have no feel to my love, pls tell me...
meaningless for me to fight alone...
meaningless for me to talk to u anymore...


I try to be rational... but i cant...
If i hurt u again, I am so sorry...
If loving u will hurt u,
i rather i never love u...
I rather i can forget u...

...

I don know how to explain my feeling now.
I don know how to tell my thought now.


My family not support me...
You said u heartless and feelingless ald...
Am I the only one feel and experience those sadness?
Am I fighting all by my own?
Am I the only one so wanting the relationship to be on?
Can I be heartless and feelingless too so tat i feel better?


Seem like I am the problem...
I am the one creating all these problems...
I am the one putting both of us into these condition...
And, made u become heartless and feelingless...


Tired...
I can only sleep after i cried till tired...
but, u tell me u r heartless and feelingless...


'You are in a island...' My brother said the truth...
U are my only support now but u treat me these ways...
What should I do?
Who can I share other than u?
Where can I go off of u?


Not expect u to worry me nor care me that much...
as u said, u are now heartless and feelingless...
and, the condition caused u became that...
And, I create the condition...
All are my false, then, i will settle it soon...


First Love? True Love? Family Love? God Love?
I only feel myself so cold...
I feel so lonely...
so scare...


Let me know if i am the only one wanting the relationship...
I cant live with the current u...
I cant stand the cold temperature of ur tone...
I cant feel the love between us...
I am scare...


I feel lonely...

If love tat EASY...

Just read a post by Luffytian...

http://luffytian.blogspot.com/2009/12/blog-post.html

I really wonder, Love is tat easy?
Y previous time i didn't found myself in this dilemma?


Sister asked me: Will u waiting for him if u both cant be together... 3 years? 6 years? 10 years? I did not answer her. I know the answer...


Sister asked me: Are u love him too much and hard to let him go... I did not answer her too... and I know the answer...


Meet or not meet...? Wish to meet him but who am I? Wish to get close to him but who am I? Wish to tell him I love Him but who am I? Is tat so easy? I am so confused...


I ever think of many non sense ideas if i have to let go this chance... I also not sure i am laughing to myself or i am happy with tat idea...


If love is tat easy, Pls let me know, what should I do? How? I feel bad to hurt him... And i don wanna do tat... If love is tat easy... y hurt exist?


He wanna make it, me too... But, how?


how?


Y i feel myself so lonely here...? I sometimes will cry breathless... I sometimes will be very negative... I sometimes will think of many non sense ideas...


I don wan let go... but i feel heart break everytime i think of that...
How?


If you know... could u tell me?

I wish I can Hold Your hand till the end...

Suppose i have to sleep after i took medicine and being busy for the Tired Tuesday. I just cant sleep. After being emotion and cried out, i decided to wake up and do module edit.

Till i tired, I remembered what he has told me just now.

I feel myself in sadness. I feel myself so useless to solve this. I feel myself going to lost him soon. I feel bad about these. I force myself to do my work, i force myself to not cry in front of mother and sister, i force myself to forget the possibility of letting him go...

I don wan. I so so so don wan. But, i am lost. I need time to make thing clear. I need time to be rational and think about the best solution between us.

Move on? I am so not sure... Y take curang as a reason? Y i must move on? Y i cant just keep u in my heart? Y i cant just see u moving on? Y u wan me to promise? i cant promise. I will fail even i have give u a promise.


My family, i need only understanding and space. If u choose to ignore me, i cant do anything. If u cant understanding, I ald tried my best to explain. If u wan to help, just pray for me. Just left me cry my own, left me do my work alone, let me have my time to think alone.

If u still feel i am not rational and very emotional, just let me be. I know what am I doing now. I know what I wan. Just don keep reminding me on what should I, what suppose I, what have I...... I know all. I need time.


I wish to sleep... i know i am tired and cannot continue the edit work ald. But, i am not sure i will sleep...


May i hold ur hand till the very last breath? I love U... but, y i feel i am hurting u? Sorry for what my family have said to u. Sorry for what they have expressed to u...

A lesson of being Snatched...

Serdang, my house has gave me such a special welcoming present to celebrate my return from Sarawak....

Today around 925am, i have been snatched at the Serdang Industrial Park. A guy with a very big knife, kind of potong daging punya has snatched my wallet. The only thing in my mind was : dont cut my hand!!! He cut the belt on wallet then ran away with another guy on motor. Thanks GOd! I only injured a bit on my wrist. No serious tough.


Ald went to make police report. Will be busy to get new license, identity card, cut all bank accounts on monday. These are those things that bother me only. I am glad that my sister and pastors were safe. Four of us were safe and no hurt. They more worry and afraid than me. For this moment, i am ok. and I am calm enough and able to tell joke just to calm them. ^^ life is the most important thing. Others, i can gain back or get back although taking time...


The lesson is about security. My church will move to that place. Actually, i am waiting in front of the church. My pastor said, she saw one guy has took round there 1-2 times. So, there has risk where pastors might be targetted if work there everyday.


I am glad because i am the one being snatched. Not my sister and not both pastors ^^ because... i have less money, i have less documents, i have less thing to do due to holiday then able to re-get all the lost documents... hahhaha.... This incident was actually a very priceless experience that I have the feel that God send me some messages:
1) I should never use that kind of wallet after ward where have all the things inside (keys, IC, license, money, all in one)
2) Pastors need to be careful and voice out the security issue to the MT of church so that they are protected.
3) Time to buy new wallet and take better photo for my IC + license... ahahahha... aiya, but ho, now my face has some scar due to sickness... -.- so bad! T.T
4) Be grateful because i lost only my things instead of my life ^^ Thanks God again because u all still can see me ^^ i not die, not hurt and u all no need to visit to hospital nor my funeral :p

Frens, just be careful whenever u are outside. Nothing is predictable. Look around and always with more frens to remind u the secure issue ^^

have a nice day lo... hehe... Anything just call my house or email me lo ^^

Journal Writing 1

1. Activities
Yesterday (17 Nov 2009) I participated the counselling internship workshop in faculty. I spent night time to do laundry and packing my stuffs to be sent home.

2. Self reflection
The first slot in workshop was introduction of the internship presented by beloved Head of Counselling Department. I most like the part that he invited lecturers the share their supervision experience for the previous years. Through their sharing, I am aware of many important issues and have to pay close attention. Although the only one lecturer from medical background did not supervised counselling student previously; Through his sharing, I think he really have very good experience in medical and psychology field. All supervisors are good. However, I were a bit disappointed because my supervisor was absent due to unavoided mission. I felt lost because have no idea on his expectation and agreeableness to the presentation in the workshop.

Second Slot onward were presented by an invited guest who is our senior too. She represented the former lecturer to share her enthusiasism in Journal Writing. I am blur in the slot because I have no idea regarding the actual format that required by faculty. Too many 'IF' condition instead of actual example make me unpleasant with the learning process. I do not know anything I can ask. Besides, the LCD and Computer have displaying problem caused the displaying image 'moving'. The microphone sound also another distracted factor. I lost patient after the break.

Night time, I spent time to wash all accumulated clothes because want to send home though courier service. After finished laundry almost 11pm. I packed my thing into boxes. Oh My God, 5 boxes! Plus the 4 boxes that i have sent 1 month ago, i am going to send 9 boxes of stuffs home. I wonders why i have so much things? I have given many things to friends. After packed then i put in the car that rent from a friend. I am really tired because carry those boxes down 4 floors for 3 times. Another box will be carried in the morning because i were tired.

3. Experience
This is very structured and well designed workshop by lecturers. As they said: Specially for us. Although some coursemates came in late, but Head of Department was very creative to maintain good atmosphere by using humour. Internship have to be seen as serious matter. So, all elements in workshop are important to be noted.
Besides, invited guest was confident to present. Impressed with her style and smile in creating happy space. She likes to use cut off which i felt inapproriate sometimes.
Packing stuffs were always torture me. Anyway, I learn from the past by wrapping it more layers. Luckily i start packing since last month. Now i complete this mission easly than i expected.

4. Planning
a) Will buy sweet and eat sweet if i feel boring and lost focus in workshop so that i not going to miss any single point.
b) Have to bring my spectacle so that i can see clearly.
c) Writing it down as a record.
d) Plan before action eventhough i am not writing down the plan; at least think and structure the plan.
e) Put HP in the bag and only take out during break time.

Missing you...

Long time not see you...

Miss your Smile,
Miss your Expression,
Miss your Company,
Miss everything we went through in the past...

Wish to see you soon...

I am Missing you...
a lot a lot...
especially tonight ^^


Take care and be good Boy there o ...